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When we had to leave China suddenly, we were forced to leave our two cats behind. Fortunately we were able to find homes for them among friends, but it didn’t remove our concerns for their well-being or our missing them. In fact, I think having to leave the cats suddenly like we did may have been worse than if the cats had died. Sometimes Emma’s imagination would cause her to worry that her cats were starving or unloved or otherwise neglected. And to be honest, we really didn’t know for sure how the cats were faring. I often worried too.
The loss of our cats was just one more thing to grieve during that period. It seems small in comparison to other things we lost —a home, a job, friends, work, even a sense of normalcy. But the pain was real especially when I would see another cat. I would remember Oreo and Maxie and miss them. Petting another cat would bring back all of those memories of how they felt, smelled, and the funny things they would do. In essence, being around another cat would trigger grief.
Our first two years back in the USA, we couldn’t have any pets because we were living in borrowed housing. Not being able to have a new pet was equally as painful. Here we had lost two beloved animals and couldn’t even have a new pet to soothe that pain. (My mom was a dear and did get us some cats which she kept at her house, but of course that was a poor substitute for having pets in our own home.)
I’m not a person who calls my pets “fur babies” or dresses them in clothes or especially pampers them, but I do love my cats. And losing them is painful.
That pain was even more acute for Emma who was only 11 at the time. And although I wanted to ease her pain by getting her a new pet, that wasn’t an option. Instead these are a few things I did to help her cope with the grief.
Accept and Feel the Pain
The best way to grieve anything is to go through the pain — not deny, avoid, or cover it up. So when that grief arose, I encouraged Emma to feel it whether that meant crying, complaining, getting angry, or whatever emotional reaction happened.
I was also honest about my own feelings. I missed the cats too! She wasn’t childish to grieve the loss of the cats even when she had lost so much else. No, that sense of loss was normal and even healthy. I never chastised her for grieving the cats (or any part of the loss). I actually tried to enter into that grief alongside her.
Even five years away from the event, I still miss those goofy cats! And Emma does too. It’s not as acute as before, but I still respect that grief while I recognize that the pain lessens over the years.
Honor and Remember the Lost Pets
Fortunately we had a lot of photos of Maxie and Oreo, securely stored on Flickr, so Emma and I could look at them whenever we felt the urge. When we were feeling nostalgic, we would tell stories about how we nursed Maxie with a bottle as a kitten or when Oreo let Emma push him around in a doll stroller. Retelling stories is part of the grieving process. It hurts to remember, but it also feels good.
Have Positive Pet Experiences
Although we couldn’t have any pets in our temporary housing, we made the most of opportunities to engage with animals in other ways — at friends’ houses, at my mom’s house, at PetSmart, or even in public. We all know that petting an animal feels good. That’s because our brain actually releases oxytocin, the “love hormone” when we stroke an animal.
Understand that Grief is Layered
I’m not sure if this is scientific, but this next part is my own personal experience, and Emma agrees with me.
Sometimes when I encounter a negative situation, that experience will trigger a larger part of my heart/head that I can call LOSS. So what may actually in itself be a small disappointment becomes exaggerated because it’s poking that sore spot where I store all the grief and loss. Grief is layered, and when you feel it over something new, it can cause old feelings to bubble up in a surprising way.
If your child seems overly upset about the loss of pet or if the grief goes on too long, it may be that the grief over the pet is actually touching on other themes of loss or pain that are yet unresolved. There’s nothing wrong with this! In fact, it’s great! It means that the pain is being dealt with. But it can be helpful to give your child a safe place to express all kinds of pain, fear, and loss that are triggered with the loss of a pet. Keep communication lines open, stay humble and human, and let your child grieve in his own way. The key is simply to feel the emotions rather than stuff, deny, or ignore them.
Get a New Pet
Getting a new pet is helpful in the healing process. The new cat can never replace the loss of a family pet, but it can soothe that pain and help trigger the grief that has to be walked through for genuine healing. I’ve found that after the loss of Maxie and Oreo, I’m a bit more prone to pamper my cat that I was before by splurging on cat toys, cat trees, and natural cat food.
Enter Sony
Well, now we have Sony. (His name originally was Sonny, but Emma changed it. When you adopt a cat, you can do that.)
Sony reminds me a lot of Oreo in demeanor. He doesn’t like to climb on your lap while you sit on the couch, but he will curl up in your arms while you work on a computer keyboard. Adorable but a tad annoying. Oreo was exactly the same! It’s been five years since I left China, but sometimes when I hug Sony, I still miss Oreo.
Feeding a Cat With a Natural, Grain-Free Cat Food
Finding cat food in China was something of a challenge. Most cats were kept solely as mousers, and they were fed scraps, including a lot of rice. I always pitied those scrawny Chinese cats that had to eat rice instead of a meat-based diet that is more natural for them. Cats are, after all, carnivores! My Chinese friends were always surprised at the expense I would go to buy actual cat food — both dry and wet. Emma and I often joked about how lucky Maxie and Oreo were to live in the home of the only Americans in a city of five million people!
It’s only been recently that I realized that most commercial cat foods are grain-based! They aren’t much different from the diets those scrawny Chinese cats were eating.
In my own quest to become fit, I’ve been reducing my consumption of grains. And it makes me feel good to feed Sony a grain-free diet as well. Purina Muse Natural Cat Food fits the bill.
Purina Muse® Natural Cat Food is exclusively available at PetSmart.
With Muse you don’t have to choose between natural nutrition and food that tastes great. Your cat can have both when you choose Muse. Natural has never been so delicious. Put Muse to the test with our clean plate guarantee.
I opened a can of the paté, and Sony went wild in anticipation! As you can see, he devoured it with gusto and licked the plate clean.
When I eat a more protein-rich diet, I tend to eat less because I am more satisfied for a longer time. And Sony seems to be the same. When I spend more money on better quality, grain-free cat food like Purina Muse Natural Cat Food, he eats less of it because it is more nourishing.
I bought several cans of the paté with coupons I found on the endcap display in the cat section of PetSmart (the only place you can buy Purina Muse Natural Cat Food). It’s natural — no artificial colors, preservatives, or flavors.
After losing cats in China, I’m a bit more tender towards Sony than I might have been before. It makes me feel good to feed him a natural food that is grain-free. And while I’m at PetSmart, Emma usually suckers me into buying him a fun cat toy too. I do it for the memory of Maxie and Oreo as much as for Sony.
The next time you visit PetSmart, look for the Purina Muse Natural Cat Food on the end caps.
Jeanette says
So true! My dad died April of 2014. In July of the same year we lost our 9 year old Pomeranian Chipper to a sudden illness. My kids and I were so tired of crying that year. It just seemed all too much. But, we allowed ourselves to grieve and in January we adopted a wonderful dog who has given us much love and laughter.
Jimmie Lanley says
This is great to hear, Jeanette. Healing does come even though it’s slow.
Oriana @Mommyhood's Diary says
Great tips!! Sony is beautiful. We’re glad he likes Purina Muse®. Thanks #client.
Sarah @ 2paws Designs says
Great tips. We’re going through this ourselves right now. We lost our 15 year old cat literally the day after my Muse posting. Unfortunate timing, but I was grateful we had food options she loved for what ended up being her final days. I’m more understanding since she had 15 healthy years and knew we wouldn’t have her much longer. The grief is still real though especially when helping my 6 year old son through it. Everything you mentioned is right on point and, eventually, we’ll get to that new pet stage which I know will mean another cat since this is the first time in my life (minus my 4 years in college) when I haven’t had a cat at home.
Jimmie Lanley says
Oh, Sarah! That is such sad timing. I am sorry about your cat. I do truly understand, and I know that your own grief will actually help you son grieve in a healthy way.