This is an old post I’m republishing as part three of my Expat Homeschool Mom in China series.
A blog reader who will be bringing three blond headed children to China to live for a few years emailed me to ask, among other things, how I deal with all the attention the my daughter gets from local people.
She’s smart to think ahead to this issue. Foreign children get a lot of attention in China! They are considered “foreign dolls.” And total strangers will come up to touch them and test their Chinese.
After I responded to her email, I thought that I may as well share this information with others. So here is my edited response to that mom–my thoughts on raising your children among a culture of curious onlookers.
1. Remember that the attention is because they think your kids are the cutest ever.
It’s not because they are mean. The pointing, touching and commenting is their way of expressing admiration. We may (DO!) perceive it differently because of our cultural values. But to them the meaning is, “I like you. You are wonderful!”
2. Your children come first.
Your first priority is to protect them. So even if the Chinese person is trying to be loving (you know that from #1), if your child is terrified or really annoyed, your main objective is to protect the child even if that means putting the Chinese person off. This is a fine line. You don’t want to be a jerk and alienate Chinese people. But again, your children are more important, relationally, than the strangers. You don’t want your child to grow up feeling that you honored strangers more than you honored her.
3. Try to be super observant and head off problems.
Get between your child and people who have that “honing in” look. You can politely touch an arm that is reaching out to your child. If done with a smile, it is well received.
4. Teach your kids some polite phrases such as “please do not touch me.”
Chinese people will laugh and touch anyway. They do not have the concept of a child having authority over his own body. He can repeat, “I said, please don’t touch me.” Then you can come in as well and repeat the request to give some strength to it. But empower your children to politely refuse behavior that bothers them.
5. Support the child.
Not all parents agree here. But we’ve always had the stance that we will not force our child to hug someone or take a picture with someone. People will ask you if they can take a pic with your child. I always say, “You can ask my daughter. If she is willing, then sure.” If not, I support her decision. Sprite has even used the requests for photos as an opportunity to earn a little extra money.
Personally I believe this gives the child a sense of empowerment. She is not helpless when faced with these intrusive strangers. She has the ability and right (which mom and dad will back up) to refuse. (Why do I feel so strongly about this? I believe that if my daughter is taught to always comply with requests from adults regardless of how it makes her feel, then she’s prime candidate for abuse. “Come sit on my lap, pretty little girl” kind of thing.)
6. Don’t allow others to interrupt your child.
One thing that is really annoying is how people will interrupt you when you are talking to a child or spouse. (I’m still not sure if this is a cultural thing or simply because they don’t understand what you’re saying in English, they consider it okay to butt in.) I usually say, “Excuse me, I’m talking to her right now.” Then when I’m done, if that person is still around, I’ll say, “What were you saying?” I will not allow them to butt in and make my child feel that what she’s saying is not important.
7. Look at it from the onlooker’s perspective.
Remind your children and yourself that even though you’ve answered the same questions a multitude of times and they are SO BORING to you, it’s the first time that stranger has seen you and asked you that question. So try to be patient. It’s really hard. Sometimes my daughter will just spill out a small resume of facts at the first question.
8. Be prepared for total inability to comprehend homeschooling.
It’s just not done. Not thought of. This is a good tactic and one they can accept — “We are Americans. We want our children to go to American university. So we use an American curriculum.” If they go down the socialization line, remind them that your children have siblings (unlike theirs) and also that learning is learning and friends are friends–two separate things. I usually cause them to think when I say, “Oh, so you send your child to school to make friends? Hmmm… we do school for learning. Friends are for evenings and weekends.” Then they realize how silly it is to say that school is for socialization. There is no time at school for playing or for friends. And they know that. So remind them.
9. And since you have three kids, be prepared for comparisions.
Strangers will right to your face, outloud say things like “The middle girl is prettier.” Or “The oldest has better Chinese.” This is normal behavior. So you’ll have to work against some stereotypes that will be reinforced by strangers.
So, blog readers, what are your thoughts about and experiences with this type of thing? Do you think my advice is harsh or sound? How would you do things differently? I’d love to hear what you think.
I think all your advice is SPOT ON. I think yall’s strategy with allowing Sprite to make money when people ask for photos is also a neat strategy and deserves a link here too.
While I TOTALLY agree with your ideas of not forcing a child to do something that feels uncomfortable and that children need to be protected, it’s also important to encourage children to remember #1 in your list above. So, in other words I think mom and dad’s attitude and coaching is very influential in helping children to feed a “I’m being stared at complex.”
It’s also important to help them realize that not all attention around them is actually about them. This is especially true if you can understand the local language better than they can. Because for a child who doesn’t know why the boys behind him in line are laughing, the immediate assumption is the laughter is about him and that it’s bad. But, that is not necessarily true.
.-= amanda´s last blog ..apricot chicken delight =-.
Amanda, I appreciate your insight. You’ve lived abroad for many years, and you know what you’re talking about.
And you’re right about #1. That’s why it’s #1 — as in most important, foundational truth to remember.
(I should link to the “one yuan” post. I’ll do that! Thanks.) Sprite’s language at this point is superior to mine, LOL, especially in understanding the local dialect! But we’re all prone to misunderstandings. You bring up a good point about assuming.
I agree with what you wrote. My dd is kinda shy, so it’s quite hard for her to get all the attention she does when we go out. It’s a bit of an adjustment, but we just keep #1 in mind :).
.-= Paige´s last blog ..Weekly Report-Week 18 =-.
My wife and I, and our two blonde daughters moved to China just over 4 months ago. Here in Dalian it isn’t so bad, but we visited Xi’an where many Chinese from all over China also go to visit. At some sites we visited our daughters were photographed more than the tourist attractions.
I like your advice to make sure our children have some choice, I think out of politeness we’ve sometimes not-so-much insisted, but rather influenced our kids to smile and participate when they may not have wanted to.
As a fun aside, I’ve started taking photos of people taking photos of our kids, a fun keepsake for them later.
Point number 8 is so true. Our youngest gets a lot more attention that our older daughter but we’ve explained it as ‘the younger the child, the more attention they get’, and our oldest is happy to have the attention directed away.
I’m sending this to my wife to read as well, thanks for sharing!
.-= David Truss´s last blog ..Holiday-Christmas-Concert =-.
We’ve dealt with this with our teenage daughter but much more so when we have been in large tourist places. Now that we actually live in China, we don’t get it as much. Our city isn’t much of a tourist spot and people don’t carry camera’s everywhere they go.
Of course, cell phones have camera’s and that can be problematic. A few weeks ago, we were in a major shopping area and a sales girl raised her phone to take a picture of my daughter. My daughter put her head down and I told the sales person no (in Chinese). Then I told her she didn’t want a picture (again, in my limited Chinese). We walked on and I heard them talking about the foreigner who said no! They were astounded!
I also think that Amanda is correct in not assuming that laughter is always directed at us, the foreigners. That does decrease the level of discomfort, for sure!
.-= Sandy Fox´s last blog ..Christmas in China =-.
I love your advice, and think it is spot on. I know it has been so very important for me to not be offended by the ‘staring, and crowd gathering, photo ops’ that happen. In the the west it is rude to stare, it is not here. Plain and simple, so I had to remind myself that they are not being rude. I have chosen to live in their culture!
I have three kids, and the child comparing can be difficult. My middle son gets the majority of attention, but he also has received many comments on his size. He is a solidly built kid, and my youngest is slim. They are always being compared. Another issue we have had is that my sons who are younger will get preferential treatment compared to my daughter who is older than them. The boys will be offered candy, and she will literally be pushed aside.
So we have many discussions about not being offended about things that are different from what we are used to. I am also teaching my sons to stand up for their sister in these situations (with mom’s help).
Mostly though, we are blessed over and over by their love for children!!! We always get many complements by the fact that we have 3 children especially from the older generation.
.-= Cristal´s last blog ..Embracing it all =-.
Hmm. Do you have any advice for dealing with unwanted atention in your OWN country? 🙂 I guess being a mother of eight qualifies one for the “freak show” in America. If one more person compares us to the Duggars I just may scream. I can’t even take my kids out shopping without being stopped by numerous curious and inquisitive strangers. Over Christmas vacation my husband and I arranged to meet some old friends at a resturant. We hadn’t seen them in years and were hoping to catch up, but we spent half the time answering questions about our large family that were asked by some women at a nearby table. What was point #1 again? LOL!
.-= Melissa Telling´s last blog ..Count Down To Christmas Paper Chain =-.
Our take on this may be a bit different, since Japan has a culture all it’s own, and our kids are Japanese citizens (but they are obviously “half” and get a lot of attention, especially since I am very fair). Japanese people in general are not as bold and direct, and we often had people trying to take pictures of our eldest when she was a tot on the sly, or without asking at all. We decided early on that we would have a no photo policy for our kids, in spite of the awkwardness it sometimes creates.
These days people can alter photos to use for all sorts of sick or dishonest purposes, and we feel it’s our duty to protect our kids from that. We actually had a photo that we allowed to be taken and used in a homeschool publication show up on the cover of another magazine without our permission or knowledge. Probably, 95% of the time the photo takers are totally innocent, and just think our kids are cute, but you just never know for sure. They are complete strangers, after all.
We have gone back on the policy occasionally when we felt the situation was safe (like the example above, which turned out not so great), but I have also had to approach strange men lurking around taking photos while we are playing at the park from time to time – that’s really creepy, and I don’t enjoy it at all.
Over the years my kids have had issues with being called foreigner, or people asking if they can understand Japanese. This is also a little different for us, since my kids are citizens. They can get quite offended by that kind of thing. We have tried to focus on how being different and sticking out can be a great plus. We have opportunities to meet others and make connections in a way that we wouldn’t have if we just blended in. I agree that it’s important for them to know that the attention is not meant in a negative way. I like to jokingly tell my kids that it can’t be helped that they are so good looking.
Anyway, I thought you had great advice, but just wanted to through out that part about the photos as food for thought. I think that the parents of each family have to know their kids well, and decide what is right for their family. Thanks for this great post!
.-= Sue´s last blog ..Snapshots of Christmas =-.
In Qatar the photo thing isn’t such an issue it is touching, holding and trying to pick up the children to show to their friends and family. The picking up is especially true for the younger children. It is considered good luck. That was a culture shock adjustment that we never expected.
There have been times when this has been more challenging than others but a quick reminder of the points you mentioned have served us well.
Darla
Both #5s got my attention 🙂 I do the same thing… I let it be up to my kids if they want to be in the picture, and I don’t discourage them at all if they want to charge! 🙂 The Peruvians sometimes ask for a tip as well if you want to take their picture, so sometimes when people would ask me, I’d just reply with a smile… sure, it’ll be 5 soles for a picture with the ‘gringos’ 🙂 Most people aren’t sure whether I’m joking or not, so it heads off some at the pass.
The point you mentioned about interrupting is VERY annoying… it happens here to us in Peru too, ALL the time. I usually wait to respond to the interruption until my children are done talking holding a finger up to the person to indicate ‘one moment, please’. I think it is because they can’t understand what’s being said, but it also depends on the person, perhaps as some people just have the habit of interrupting more than others.
This post just might inspire a post of my own on the subject!
For the most part my kids are more good-natured than I’d be in their place (thanks to my congenial husband). I’m very proud of them!
.-= Amy´s last blog ..A Merry Christmas =-.
I am so sorry I posted the same (long) comment twice. I was trying to correct a spelling error. If possible, could you please delete the first one?
.-= Sue´s last blog ..Snapshots of Christmas =-.
@Sue — No problem. I have fixed it. Your comment is good, and thanks for sharing from your particular perspective.
@Amy — Two #5’s? Oh my! I’d better go do some fixing.
We have been living in Asia and I second Sue’s feelings on talking photo’s. We saw how our daughter’s photo was taken and emailed instantly to… well….who? We adopted a firm policy on this: no photo’s. For every trustworthy person taking a photo, how many are out there doing things with photo’s you do not want to think of? We enjoyed the true and lovely kindness of the Asian people and we have returned it as much as possible, but taking photo’s made us feel uncomfortable. When we kindly said ‘No’, they didn’t seem hurt at all. I never had the feeling they didn’t understand our protectionism.
I was sent this link by a friend who was kindly offering your advice in reply to my Facebook plea for help and/or advice in how to deal with “well-meaning”, but touchy, grabby, photo-happy Mainland Chinese. We have recently moved to Hong Kong with two fair-skinned, freckled, light-eyed, curly headed little girls. Our first experience with this was at Hong Kong Disney…and it was harmless, but this weekend at Ocean Park, there were moments of feeling threatened (not just the kids-ME!!) and it was rather unsettling. I think your advice is good. But what to do when they don’t ask a thing? Or when they don’t stop when you say firmly, “Stop”? We turned away and took the kids away from the situation, but it left me feeling ill-suited to protect the girls in busy crowded situations. Thanks for your insight, though!!
I am so excited to have come across this blog. I will be living in China for two years, and will most likely be homeschooling at least one of my two children. He is dyslexic, dysgraphic and dyscalculic along with wildly creative, highly animated,strongly opinionated and quite the funnyman. While tuition is covered in our package, there does not appear to be much of services. We are torn between Shenzen ( where my husband will be working) and The New Territories. We are wildly excited and would appreciate any advice or feedback other parents in the homeschooling community may have. Things to bring, things not to bother bringing, situations such as being a novelty to prepare them for etc… even comments on schools would be appreciated.