I’m going to share a story that may get me the worst mother ever award.
But this is the truth. And it is part of the Homebound Homeschool story. So here goes.
One of the things I didn’t really like about the whole hospital process was this invisible schedule that the doctors, nurses, and therapists seemed to have in their minds. It included what a patient should be able to do or how much pain she should be having each day after the surgery.
Maybe we have been homeschooling too long. Maybe I’m a rebel.
I can appreciate that the doctors need some kind of baseline for a “normal” timeline. But there seemed too little flexibility for watching what the patient was, in fact, experiencing.
Emma seemed to flow along this recovery timeline a bit more slowly than their schedule allowed.
When the doctors were looking towards our going home, Emma was in no way motivated. She was in too much pain. The “normal” day for discharge came and went, and we were still in the hospital. Emma was not eager to go home where there were no round-the-clock nurses and physical therapists who know exactly how to rescue you. In fact, it looked like we might have overstayed what was allowed (by insurance, I guess) if not for my brilliant moment.
I was desperate. We had to get out of the hospital. I needed Emma home where she could recover in peace at our own pace. I needed sleep and privacy.
So I did what a sleep-deprived, emotionally fragile parent does in desperate times.
I bribed my child.
I told her we would buy her a Wii and get Netflix. And after she feel asleep, I realized that we would actually have to buy a television too. Oh, and a stand of some sort for the television.
When she woke up, she said, “I dreamed you said you would buy me a Wii. Isn’t that funny?”
I could have gotten out of my deal, but I was still frantic for a solution. I repeated the promise, holding out that one condition –going home. We have to go home to get the Wii. It worked. Like magic. There was an instant turn-around. And we were planning our discharge.
My couple hundred dollar bribe morphed into a $1000+ bribe. This was one shopping errand my husband was thrilled to help me with! And now we are what Emma calls a “normal American family” with a huge TV in the living room.
The upside is that I’m getting to watch Doctor Who with her during this recovery time. Ironically, she has not yet been well enough to enjoy the Wii — my original bribe.
So what to you think? Do I get the terrible mom award for bribing a child with an expensive toy? Or can you relate to my desperation?
I can so relate!! I have been know to be both desperate and a briber several times. (Blush.) I just say that desperate times call for desperate measures. 🙂 I have enjoyed this series, Jimmie.
I had to laugh! I think we all have those moments on different scales and it’s normal. I’ve been known to bribe a time or two. I think it’s not totally destructive so long as it’s just once in a while. I also prefer to call it bartering…hehehe.
I think you just gave her some motivation. Sometimes getting better starts with getting up and moving around doing normal daily activities. 🙂
Sounds reasonable to me : )
Nope, if she truly hadn’t been ready then the bribe wouldn’t have worked. 🙂
Ditto with those above, seems to me as a way to motivate her and to help her in having a place to focus during difficult recovery stretches with out the hospital med team etc.. Also, we have used our Wii and our Net flix membership and on Demand Netflix through the wii to good family and educational advantage. We too are watching Dr. Who together as a family evening adventure but more then that there are many “classic” and other movies that can be used as hooks or augments to history and literature studies once you start exploring. Also, though it would be more $$, we got the Wii Fit program. We live in the city and have no yard, it has been a helpful way to do some exercise with out a large piece of equipment in the way and has been helping with weight issues etc. It has become part of our schoool day routine. Enjoy, use both in moderation and have fun exploring the educational hooks that are there.
I can relate. In 2009 I was in the hospital for almost five weeks because of a surgery that went very wrong. After week three, I begged my doc to at least let me out for a church service and thankfully he did! I may not have survived the rest of my stay there and being transferred to another hospital and it did help with my recovery.
Sheesh, you don’t need to beat yourself up! The poor kid had SURGERY! You could just think of it as her reward for being a trooper. Maybe you’d be a terrible parent if you told her you’d ground her for life if she didn’t shape up and get her out of the hospital, but I think you did the right thing, 100%!! Silly goose, don’t be so tough on your own parenting!
I really thought you were going to go some place far different and darker with your “Worst Mom of the Year” award. I kept waiting for the moment where you did something really awful. I was so relieved when you just bought a Wii 😉 I am sorry your bribe turned out to be so expensive, and I hope you don’t have too much bribers remorse later. I also hope you will give yourself some grace. It worked and was probably far less expensive than even one day in the hospital without insurance coverage!
Hey, whatever works. that sounds flippant, but it’s not meant to be. Some background: when my eldest was an infant, she had colic. Everyone was miserable, but especially me, who was reading all sorts of new parent books that just made everything worse. I’d read not to let my baby sleep in the baby swing, but guess what? She slept *very well* in the baby swing. On the advice of a friend, who told me, “Do whatever works for you,” I let her sleep in the baby swing. Hallelujah!
I say that’s great. Frankly whatever works for your family during the situation you are in is completely acceptable. I am thinking of bribing my 12 year old daughter to emotionally come to grips with a difficult second facial surgery. We were not expecting it, the Dr. blurted it out with my daughter in the room and we have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. As long as your family is happy and Emma is getting better I say Hallelujah!!
I don’t think it’s bad. I will admit. I’m not above bribing my kids into the hard things. I figure they do the hard work, they deserve something to bring them comfort. Thus the reason my kids always get a treat after their shots. It helps them learn that going through hard things can be awarding. They are young and simple.
The good thing is that Emma is home and she can recover in a more comfortable environment (in the long run). I say that girl deserves to have some “normal” comfort. She’s braver than me; I dislike surgeries!
I had to smile at this~ having gone through this kind of thing with surgeries and hospitals I understood totally what you were describing with the hospitals and their timeline. The problem more times than not is the insurance companies timeline on when the patient should be discharged, it can get really frustrating for both the patient and the doctors. I have been there. I think that your idea was a great one! I love it. And call me weird but I don’t even look at it as a bribe as much as a way of making a really big compromise in trying to make a frustrating problem a little bit more bearable, if that makes any sense. I think Emma will be able to really be able to recuperate better at home and in her own place~ special wishes to you both 🙂
I think it is great. It motivated her to go home and recover which I think is better than laying in a hospital. Also I would rather spend money on a new TV instead of extra hospital expenses. : )
I relate!
I told my son that if he would just get with it and finish his math book, I would take him to the store and let him buy any Lego set he wanted.
So no. I don’t think you are horrid. Switch your mindset to “reward” instead of “bribe” and it’s a lot easier. LOL.
You make me smile. 🙂 {Would it make you feel *any* better if I told you I bribe A. to do his math work – without CRYING – with time on his Nintendo DS [and I seriously hate video games]?} Hug Emma for us and tell her we’re praying for her!
I can relate….everything you did sounds like your the best momma for helping Emma find the motivation she needed!
I laughed when I read this, especially the part about realizing you had to get a TV and a TV stand to fulfill the promise. I’ve had many moments where I’ve felt like I would win the “Worst Mom” award! It sure feels good to know I’m not alone in feeling that way! I hope you enjoy your new TV!!
As long as she is feeling better and able to “rescue” herself or getting the care she needs I don’t think you are a bad mom at all. Sometimes we need to push our kids to do things that frighten them so that they can learn how strong they are!
Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all like “rewards” along the way. Paychecks, lollipops from the bank, stars on calendars, allowance, whatever works to get ourselves or loved ones motivated and sticking to something. Emma got paid for her “work” of surgery and recovery. Sometimes the reward needs to be bigger to compensate for the work. It sounds like she earned all she got. And you too–you earned every bit of this during your stay with her. Blessings on the whole family.
You are not a horrible mom. I had a spinal fusion surgery last fall, and I know exactly the kind of pain Emma is in. I was 43 at the time of my surgery and I cried every day for the first 2 weeks.
I totally understand why Emma was scared to go home, I also understand why you needed to get out of the hospital and get home and get some semblance of peace and normalcy back into your uprooted lives. Even as a patient in the worst pain I had ever experienced (I have had 5 natural births) a hospital is a very difficult place to get rest in. There is someone in your room what seems like every 5 minutes, checking vitals, giving meds, drawing blood, PT, and on and on.
If giving Emma some motivation to want to go home, even in the form of a “bribe” does not make you a terrible Mom, it makes you a weary sleep deprived person who wants to get some control back into the lives of her family. Desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures.
That being said, I can tell you that the first 2 weeks post-op are the most painful and difficult following a spinal fusion surgery. The 2 week point was the turn around point. Every day became better than the one before it. I wasn’t taking as much pain medicine, I was becoming a little more comfortable, I could do more on my own. By 4 weeks post-op though I was still sore, I actually began to feel more like my old self. I didn’t need to use my walker anymore, I was able to get back to more of a normal routine. I still had limitations, but definitely was feeling better. Emma will too. I had to have surgery due to spinal stenosis, which is very different than Emma’s diagnosis, but the surgery is the same none the less. Tell Emma to hang in there, she will start feeling better and every day will be better than next. Same goes for you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You all have been through a very difficult situation. As a parent we will do what ever necessary to make our kids feel better. You were being Emma’s mom.
I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))
God Bless,
Kimmie H.
I don’t think of things like this as bribes but rather as “incentives”. It gives them something to look forward to and work towards. It was a brilliant idea to get a Wii since it will be something that will encourage her in the future to get up and move which I can only assume will be a difficult transition.
My boys had to have blood drawn every few weeks when they were younger as part of their diagnosis and treatment of their Alagille Syndrome. We made it a tradition to go get milkshakes at the drive thru (a novelty) every time they had to have a blood draw. Was it a bribe? I always just thought it was a way to sweeten the experience and be an incentive to sit still and just get it done.
Like someone said above….do what works. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey, she needed something to do while she was lying around recovering anyway. And now you can watch educational movies together too. 🙂
Ha! Although I knew this story I still laughed when I read your post, Jimmie. I do think that if you did not buy her Mario Kart yet then you might just be the worst mother ever. 🙂
You know, sometimes we all need a little extrinsic motivation and I think this was perfectly acceptable.
So funny, I have been out of touch with your blog for a long time and was just thinking about you today, so I caught up a little on Emma’s surgery, and hoping she’s recovering well. (I’ve always known her as “Sprite,” it’s nice to know her by name!) I love that you are just as human as I am and think you will have some fun family times with that Wii….we have all had “Just Dance” nights and they are SO fun, especially when winter comes around and we’re stuck inside. You’ll enjoy making it work for your family. Oh, and Doctor Who? Yeah. That’s a big one in our family too. Somehow it has become father/son bonding time. ha ha! Praying for God’s healing in Emma’s body, and restored alignment to her spine!
Jimmie, you certainly do NOT deserve a “worst mom” award!! You did exactly what you needed to do to motivate Emma ( I still think of her as Sprite). I think what you did was the perfect solution!
I went through 3 years of bribing my dd to patch her “good eye” everyday, after she was diagnosed with amblyopia (there were NO visible signs of it & we didn’t catch it until she was 8, so talk about GUILT) ~ you have to do whatever works at the time! Fortunately, we are all done with that now & she is much improved.
I am sure Emma will recover beautifully & soon it will all just be a memory.
Oh, and we watch Doctor Who as well! And I think you will grow to LOVE Netflix as an educational tool!
I think it was brilliant and it gave her something to look forward too. And I’m sure it got her moving when she was ready.
When Mackenzie got her T1 diabetes dx, we got her a cell phone. Although that was more for my peace of mind when she’s not with me. It was painful because I’ve been preaching “not til you drive” forever. But it sure made all those shots a little easier.
When our little Kayleigh was diagnosed she got a trip to Build-a-Bear. (She was diagnosed with type 1 this past Tuesday. I’m not even making that up. lol)
And I second the Mario Kart suggestion. =o) Super fun for the whole family. We crack up when we play it.
I am bribing my son with a vacation. So don’t feel bad. I just feel so bad for everything he is going though. Anything to make his days a little brighter. Anything to help him deal with an upcoming scary surgery I am going to do.
Yes, you are right. My daughter’s surgery was brutal. It took about a full year or more for her to be able to look back and say it was worth it. Until then she was very upset about all the pain she experienced.