My daughter is an amazing individual. She is creative, empathetic, and funny. And she is very different from me. Those differences cause me a low level of ongoing anxiety primarily in the areas of messiness and lack of organization. Yes, visible messes make me feel anxious.
- I can’t work when my desk is cluttered and jumbled.
- I can’t cook until the sink is cleared and the counters are empty.
But Emma is not bothered by messes. In fact, she says she likes to have all of her possessions visible (on the desk or on the floor) so she can know where everything is. To my linear brain, that makes no sense at all. All that visual input overwhelms me and distracts me from getting anything done.
She’s been this way since she was a little girl, and although she has improved over the years, she is simply different from me. Messes don’t bother her.
Is it wrong to be disorderly? Is it wrong to leave your clothes on the floor?
What Emma has taught me over the years is that no, it’s not wrong. It’s her preference. And although I may prefer her to be neat and organized at all times, those traits simply aren’t a high priority for her.
She values other thing above order. That’s different from me. But it’s not wrong. It causes me discomfort when I see her room a mess, but I can turn around, walk out, and close the door.
Sure, I put my foot down occasionally and insist that she clean up, especially when the messes are in living areas of the house. But when they are hidden away, out of sight, I try my best to let it go. I would rather deal internally with my own discomfort about the mess than express that to her and put a constant strain on our relationship.
In essence, I tolerate her messes because our relationship is more important to me than being neat.
See more posts on this theme by the iHomeschool Network bloggers at What My Child Has Taught Me.
What a beautiful young woman she has become! I don’t think there is anything that can stretch one more than being a mother.
I’m like you. I can’t function in clutter. It overwhelms my mind and spirit. Most of my kids are like me in that respect. However, I do have one daughter who is totally OK with clutter. When she lived at home, I was OK with it as long as it was confined to her own space. When it started creeping out into the common areas, that was a big fat NO! She tried being her sister’s roommate for a while when she was 18. It was Oscar and Felix of the Odd Couple. It did NOT work out. lol
“Our relationship is more important to me than being neat.” — This is a great piece of advice for any relationship. Let love cover the differences.
Jimmie, this is such a fresh perspective.
I, too, have a child who is very, VERY different than I am. She’s extroverted, charming, hysterically funny, and isn’t bothered by mess in the least.
She’s quite the free spirit, where I am much more in-the-box and regimented.
I will be honest and say that I have a hard time dealing with those differences on occasion. But I know that the Lord is growing me through letting me be her mama. I have a fierce love for her.
This is a much needed reminder and so true: “In essence, I tolerate her messes because our relationship is more important to me than being neat.”
YES. Relationship always comes first above my preferences and personality.
My artsy son is messy, too…his stuff is everywhere..sketch pencils under the sofa, sketch pad in the bathroom (seriously!), watercolors all over the dinig room table.. and on and on..
Thank you for this post and for helping me put it all in perspective. 🙂
I was a very messy teenager. It drove my Dad crazy. My Mom was, and still is, a very messy person. When I moved into my first apartment something changed and I became a person who can’t stand clutter. It causes me to have major anxiety now, probably a big part of why I became a minimalist. My oldest is now the teenager who likes things to be messy. Our agreement is simple. Messes in rooms other than his bedroom must be dealt with after the activity that caused the mess is done. His bedroom can be as messy as he likes as long as he keeps the door closed so I don’t have to see it.
“she says she likes to have all of her possessions visible (on the desk or on the floor) so she can know where everything is”
Caroline says this to me as well and my head nearly explodes as my brain cannot even process this idea. LOL!
It sounds like our girls are a lot alike and considering how close we are on personality types, I completely get this entire post.
It’s insane, Sallie! Makes no sense to me, but this is how she thinks! So I must accept it.