By the time we had a diagnosis, Emma’s curves were already at the point where surgery is recommended.
I was in utter shock when the orthopedic doctor handed me her x-rays. Why was there a snake arching across my daughter’s back?
That was my first thought — a snake had somehow found its way onto my daughter’s x-rays. Ridiculous. But so was the realization that her spine was bent into an almost symmetrical S curve.
How can you miss such a shockingly obvious deformity?
And yet I had missed it.
As the reality sunk into my heart and mind, I now realized why my daughter looked so off kilter and slouched in her posture.
And then the guilt set in.
What kind of mom am I? How do you not see what is right in front of you? I homeschool my child; I’m with her every day. Am I a bad mom? A negligent mom? An unobservant mom?
Friends were asking about braces and I was replying with news of surgery.
“What? So sudden? Talking about surgery right away?”
“Well, her curves are already to the point that surgery is recommended.”
“What do you mean? How did it happen so fast?”
Guilt.
It did happen pretty fast — within a year — but the truth is that I didn’t see it.
I’m not a nervous mom when it comes to health issues. I think a little dirt is good for you and that most ailments are cured by sleeping longer and drinking more. I don’t frequent the doctor’s office and don’t buy a lot of medicines. So I brushed off Emma’s back pain as normal “growing pains.”
I didn’t see the scoliosis because I wasn’t looking for it. My child is healthy. So why look for problems?
And then suddenly there is a huge problem in the black and white of a photocopied x-ray.
So on one side of my brain there is this huge load of guilt. And on the other hand there is reality.
Reality #1 There is nothing we could have done to stop the scoliosis. No, not even bracing.
Reality #2 None of us were emotionally able to handle yet another tragedy when we were expelled from China. Not knowing was a mercy from God.
Reality #3 We live in Memphis where there is an outstanding, nationally recognized children’s hospital —Le Bonheur — that does over a hundred pediatric spinal fusions a year.
Reality #4 Our surgeon called Emma’s scoliosis and her surgery “straightforward.” (The irony of using that word — straightforward.) It was the normal pattern for scoliosis and would require a very standard surgery that he is well equipped to perform. In other words, just another day at work for him. Her scoliosis was not strange, unheard of, difficult, or confusing to the medical staff.
So I told the guilt to go away. Goodbye. Not welcome to stick around or ever come back.
Any guilt I had was
- misplaced
- from the enemy of our souls
- to be rejected outright
Yet God had another gift for me to make sure the guilt never returned.
One of our many amazing nurses at Le Bonheur was Sandra* who routinely cares for kids after they have spinal fusions. During her 12 hour shift, we chatted as she came in and out of Emma’s room. Then she shared with me that two of her three children have scoliosis and even have the same orthopedic doctor that Emma has. Interesting coincidence.
But the blessing came when she explained how she did not see the scoliosis herself. Her pediatrician spotted it first.
God’s bullhorn was blaring. Here was an experienced RN who works with scoliosis patients daily. She did not see the problem in her own child.
And guess what? Sandra felt guilty about it.
It was one of those surreal moments when you are interacting with another person on the outside but in the spirit you are having a conversation with God. Actually it was more of an unspoken exchange.
I looked at God with wide eyes of amazement. He looked at me with a knowing smile and a gentle grin.
No guilt. Just God’s providence.
*name changed to protect her privacy
All Posts in This Series
- New Series: Homebound Homeschool
- How Did I Not See the Scoliosis: Dealing With the Mom Guilt
- Preparing for Surgery
- In the Hospital
- Transitioning Home
- The Beauty of Homebound Homeschool
- What to Bring a Teen Who is in the Hospital or Recuperating
Thank you for sharing your story. My daughter was just diagnosed with scoliosis, and I have had the same struggle with guilt. I have yet to have anyone tell me a horror story regarding scoliosis, so I am optimistic. She sees a specialist this Friday for next steps. But I ask myself the same questions….how did I not see this myself? You have brought me a sense of peace on this for now. I thank you for that.
Colleen, release yourself from the guilt. It is not your fault that this happened or that you didn’t see it. Now that we are a couple of years past the initial diagnosis, I realize that I should not have felt any guilt. Even medical professionals miss this in their own kids. Be blessed! Your daughter will be okay. I promise. Emma is straight and more confident than before. She still remembers the pain of surgery, but she is now thankful she went through it.
I just want to thank you for this post. I really needed to be reminded that God is in control and we need not feel the guilt. Yes. I feel it now. But, with time and prayer I think that I will be able to understand and be okay with my daughter’s diagnosis. The shock for me was seeing the x-ray. I feel so bad for her. Maybe the timing as you say was for the best in the long run. She has just reached skeletal maturity according to the x-ray results. (She is almost 16) We are meeting with an Orthopedic doctor soon but her curvature is 37.7 so I don’t know what there is to do. Not quite bad enough for surgery and too late for bracing is what I understand…not that bracing really helps anyway. I plan on having her take on a regular exercise program to continue throughout her life. So many thoughts go through your head. I noticed a few changes that I only really understood after the diagnosis. Anyway, thank you for your insight and help. Rose
Jimmie, I too felt an enormous amount of guilt when I saw that horrible x-ray. with the 55 degree curvature (as the doc mentioned). I think I gasped. It was all I could do to not burst into tears in front of all three men in the exam room, my husband, our 15 yr. old son (he has special needs), and Dr. S. Men don’t like to see women cry, it unnerves them. Dr. S knew the drill, he looked at us intently and adamantly making it crystal clear that we were not to feel guilty for not seeing it. My head knew he was right, but it took a little longer for my heart to catch up. He said what is done is done, now all we need to do is fix it. He assured us that this was not his first surgery, and our son’s prognosis looked very good. And he was right. Dr. S was so proud of our son’s pre and post surgery attitude and recovery, thanks be to our Lord Jesus for putting a skilled surgeon on the case and for walking us through this difficult time.
My daughter was diagnosed three weeks ago. We also homeschool and all I can think is, “I’m with her every day, almost all day! How could I not see it?” The guilt is hitting fast and furious. I’m not at your point yet but hope to be someday.
Thank you for sharing your story! I have been riddled with the mom guilt ever since we saw the Orthopedist in December. How in the world did I miss this? My daughter also progressed quickly and requires surgery. Hers is scheduled for June after school lets out (per her choice to wait until school is out for the summer) I am loving these blogs and thank you for the gift basket ideas 🙂
Wow. Did you write this for me? Both my younger kids have scoliosis and or kyphosis. We were so focused on my middle kid because he was so bad, that we didn’t even see it in my youngest until B had his surgery and looked different. I honestly don’t know how I missed it.